This series of letters was directed at various business organizations/special-interest associations.  Hilarity ensues?

To the Pabst Brewing Company:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I love your beer! It’s fantastic! Continue making great beer!

Also, while you are busy making beer, I have written a song that can be sung while brewing delicious beer. It can be sung in the tune of the star-spangled-banner.

We are PBR, We make the world’s best beer,

What so proudly we brewed at the twilight’s last brewing?

Whose great beers and bright beers thru the perilous night,

O’er the ramparts we drank were so gallantly drinking?

And the rocket’s were drunk, the bombs– also drunk,

Gave proof through the night that something was seriously wrong.

Oh, say can I bum a cig?

O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

Feel free to use it in your advertisements if you’d like.

Sincerely,

Kevin J. Dolan

See P.B.R.’s response here!

When I was in New Jersey coming back from the airport, we found a store called Payless Monuments across the street from a graveyard.  We considered whether their commercials would be like mattress stores or car dealerships, only to agree on both.  I decided to make a special request of them:

Dear Sir or Madam,

Hello, my name is Kevin Dolan and I am a young up-and-coming business man located in Ithaca, NY, and I have recently begun researching my possible monument options.

I am currently considering a large statue be erected in my likeness. The statue is humorous in nature, as it depicts me wielding a sword wearing a suit in my skivvies, while sporting bedroom slippers.

I have hired a designer to render a 3-dimensional model in Rhino, which I am sure you are familiar with. I have received several competitive bids for this monument, but have recently considered discount monument dealers, such as yourself.

I am writing to request a quote for such a commission. I appreciate your prompt response.

Sincerely,

Kevin J. Dolan

I recently was rejected from Wikipedia for attempting to post an article about Fax the Past.  I really don’t like those nerdy editor guys.  I then imagined what would be the most ridiculous way to make an edit on Wikipedia:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I noticed a technical error in your Wikipedia Encyclopedia on the Internet, in the article regarding the color chartreuse.

Under the variations of chartreuse section, included is the color commonly referred to as olive.

However, as I represent the National Association for the Advancement of Colors (NAAC), I would like to say that no self-respecting color expert would consider olive a variation of chartreuse. Rather, olive is more strictly a member of what color experts refer to as the Common Greens, or CG’s.

I would appreciate it if this error were fixed immediately, as we find it quite offensive.

Sincerely,

Kevin J. Dolan

This next one was originally written in the font Futura, and was directed at the executive director of a certain Typography Association.

Dear Barbara,

I have recently found myself enthralled with Futura.

I have even begun typing my letters and documents in Futura, which I have found to be a simply unacceptable practice. There is a time and place for Futura, and this is neither.

Please offer any words of advice you have on the subject, as I understand you once had a similar phase with Comic-sans.

Sincerely,

Kevin J. Dolan

I joked around about doing this next one when I purchased a Big Mac from my favorite McDonalds and received a receipt with an address and the owner’s name, so here’s this one:

Dear Rick,

I am writing this letter to say thank you.

Thank you for being open 24 hours a day and thank you for offering a complete menu late at night, rather than this late-night menu nonsense some other McDonald’s have began implementing.

I mean, no Big Mac past midnight? That sounds like some kind of Nazi shit if you ask me.

Again, thanks.

Sincerely,

Kevin J. Dolan

And the final one is directed to the Nova Scotia Salmon Association:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have found salmon of Nova Scotian origin to be far inferior to Japanese-caught salmon.

As I have, in my own experience, learned that most Nova Scotian products are of the highest degree, I demand an explanation from your organization as to the salmon-related shortcomings.

I await your response with great anticipation.

Sincerely,

Kevin J. Dolan

And I learned the name of the book from which this practice originates.  It is called The Timewaster Letters.

related post

• About The Kevin Dolan
• The Time Kevin Did That Thing Pt.2
• Frog and Scorpion Tattoo Part Two
• Response from P.B.R.
• Response from President Obama Himself