Future Kevin Makes Request To Google
As many of you may know, I applied for an internship at Google for this summer. Unfortunately, I did not get the position. In fact, I didn’t even get a “Sorry, we’re not interested” form letter. I have decided to reapply next summer, but I want to go about it more actively.
I plan on really buffing up my resume with some awesome websites and open-source javascript libraries to show Google I’m worth my salt. But I imagine lots of potential Google employees have the resume; what I have is something altogether much better.
I am also aware that Google has had fun with their hiring practices before, publishing silly applications asking humorous questions. It is for this reason that I decided to put my letter-writing to work. I will be sending the following three letters to several important people at Google staggered over three days.
See if you can figure out what I’m trying to do here.
Letter #1:
Dear Sergey,
Sergey, I understand that this whole thing seems very strange, but I am afraid this is the last time I will acquiesce a request like this. If you are unwilling to help me, I understand, but please do not ask that I send you another letter, before this one.
I’m sure this is all very confusing at this point, but I assure you in the next couple of days, it will become more clear. Be aware that it was you who requested I send this letter.
You will notice that this has been typed in Times New Roman, as you also requested, which is quite hard to find these days… and to answer your question: 19 31 35 48 53 – 40. You’ve always been clever, but that should be all the verification you need.
Again, I am sorry that Google may ultimately fail as a company if you choose not to hire me, but for the sake of my painting career, I ask that you do not.
In the unlikely chance he actually reads this one, he will be immediately quite confused. He might just write it off, but the next letter will continue to intrigue him.
Letter #2:
Dear Sergey,
In my letter dated 15 May 2034, which I suppose you will be receiving in a day or two, you requested that in order to verify I was indeed sending you letters from the future, I send you a follow-up letter to be received the before my original letter.
I understand your skepticism, as I have already attempted to contact myself from the past with the request to pursue my painting career, with no apparent success, since I am still working for Google as V.P. of User Experience.
So here is the follow-up letter. I hope it finds you in good spirits.
Okay, okay, but I still don’t get it. The final letter should really cover it all.
Letter #3:
Dear Sergey,
I know this may be hard to believe, but I am writing to you from the future with a very important request. You see, in my time, you and I have become good friends as I have been working at Google for many years now and have slowly worked my way up the ranks to V.P. of User Experience.
I discussed this with you from the future, and you told me that if you had any doubts, I should remind you about Sarah from elementary school. You must have been seven or eight at the time, and I suppose the emotional wounds have yet to heal completely, but I can assure you that one day, you will come to terms with what happened.
The reason I am writing is to inform you that the Kevin Dolan from your time should be applying for a summer internship after his junior year of college at Cornell. As I recall from the summer of 2009, I spent most of my time developing such websites as CourseTopia.com and writing traceability software for Pittsburgh-based company, Pittsburgh Snax & Nut Co. I also began working on jsAnim, my JavaScript animation library, which as I recall was one of the primary reasons Google did hire me as an intern the following summer.
Despite all of my qualifications, I ask that you do not under any circumstances hire me. If you do choose to hire me, I will end up developing the Dolan Doctrine, which revolutionizes the way users interface with websites and solidifies Google’s survival after the crumbling of the first version of the world-wide-web (just wait for it…).
That being said, looking back on my life so far, I feel that it would have been better spent as a painter than an Internet rockstar at Google. So I ask that you take this letter to heart, and do not hire me. I mean, without me, Google might have survived on its own…
If you have any questions, feel free to use the contact information from this letter. It is the contact information that is current for your time. It will be very confusing to me at the time, but I will remember receiving it now, and then I will be able to send you a response in your time.
I thought this series was genius, though I am particularly concerned that my letters will not reach the two founders of Google, so I not only sent it to them, but also a couple other Googlers, including V.P. User Experience and someone involved in hiring.
Dear Sergey,
I know this may be hard to believe, but I am writing to you from the future with a very important request. You see, in my time, you and I have become good friends as I have been working at Google for many years now and have slowly worked my way up the ranks to V.P. of User Experience.
I discussed this with you from the future, and you told me that if you had any doubts, I should remind you about Sarah from elementary school. You must have been seven or eight at the time, and I suppose the emotional wounds have yet to heal completely, but I can assure you that one day, you will come to terms with what happened.
The reason I am writing is to inform you that the Kevin Dolan from your time should be applying for a summer internship after his junior year of college at Cornell. As I recall from the summer of 2009, I spent most of my time developing such websites as CourseTopia.com and writing traceability software for Pittsburgh-based company, Pittsburgh Snax & Nut Co. I also began working on jsAnim, my JavaScript animation library, which as I recall was one of the primary reasons Google did hire me as an intern the following summer.
Despite all of my qualifications, I ask that you do not under any circumstances hire me. If you do choose to hire me, I will end up developing the Dolan Doctrine, which revolutionizes the way users interface with websites and solidifies Google’s survival after the crumbling of the first version of the world-wide-web (just wait for it…).
That being said, looking back on my life so far, I feel that it would have been better spent as a painter than an Internet rockstar at Google. So I ask that you take this letter to heart, and do not hire me. I mean, without me, Google might have survived on its own…
If you have any questions, feel free to use the contact information from this letter. It is the contact information that is current for your time. It will be very confusing to me at the time, but I will remember receiving it now, and then I will be able to send you a response in your time.