My angry letter to Edy’s ice cream
Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is Mark Vigeant and I would like to begin by expressing my fondness of Edy’s ice cream. Your brand is guaranteed to be delicious yet affordable, unlike Ben & Jerry’s. At my home, there’s always a box of Edy’s in my freezer. It’s good medicine for a bad day. However, I come bearing a complaint.
I by no means am an ice cream connoisseur; I perhaps eat ice cream 10 to 15 times a month. But this means that when I indulge myself, I expect it to be incredible. Desserts are my specialty, and how better to enjoy a warm batch of brownies than to add vanilla ice cream to them? Normally a box of Edy’s ice cream would do the trick. But not last weekend. No, on Saturday, after spending an hour crafting delicious fudgy brownies, I bought a big container of what I thought would be untainted vanilla-y goodness to accompany my chocolate delight. But what did my housemates discover upon opening my grocery bag? That it was a Light ice cream! Preposterous!
I am a healthy eater. I exercise. I walk instead of drive. But my philosophy on dessert has and always will be that it is a treat. Dessert is a purely gluttonous vice that should only be done rarely, but when done, should taste like the nectar of the Gods. Light ice cream is for addicts and people stuck in denial. I do not allow it to touch my lips in principle, because it’s still bad for you, just not as tasty.
So how did I end up with a box of light ice cream? Something about the words “Slow-Churned” and “Rich and Creamy” gave me the sense that it was going to be just that: heavy on the creamy fattening deliciousness that leads so many to heart problems and obesity. Only upon closer inspection did I see the word “Light” written next to the main logo. But only a light-ice-cream sleuth could find it in the first place, since it is lightly written on a lightly colored box.
Excuse me for sounding absurd but I believe my complaint is valid. The word “Light” should more prominently be featured on your next model of light ice cream, or else a lot of college students with lightning-fast metabolisms are going to be pissed off. And start eating Cherry Garcia.
Sincerely,
Mark T. Vigeant
Vanilla?!
Disapproved.