Hey You! Yeah you, the kid who wears that same gay-ass threadless shirt every fuckin’ day! Yeah you know who you are. Well fuck you! 
I walk by you every goddam day while you sit there sippin’ on your fuckin strawberry banana vivanno smoothie, listening to your fuckin’ “of Montreal” on your fuckin’ ipod touch while scribbling stupid notes into your fuckin’ moleskine notebook. And every god fuckin damn day you wear that gay-ass motherfuckin’ shirt. The one with the pink godzilla thing. Fuck that shirt.

I thought you were hip the first time I crossed you, standing outside of Olin library smokin’ your clove cigarette with that ironic shirt on from that noteably hip store based in Chicago. I thought your were makin’ a fuckin’ statement with those retro nike high-tops and those excessively large headphones. But hell no! It’s not a fuckin’ statement if you’re doin the same damn thing every day you infection-inducing douche bag!

Do you clean that piece a shit? I can assume not because you must wear it 80+ hours a week.

And I know you’re fully capable of changing clothes- I notice you have a semi-regular rotation of 3 pairs of jeans with the occasional salmon-colored shorts thrown in there. Not bad.

But how can I concentrate on your well-selected pant ensemble when your shirt is a constant crap zone? Show me a little bit of respect here you fuckstain.

I hope I’ve encouraged you to better examine your wardrobe before dressing tomorrow. Cuz if you don’t I’m gonna kick your fuckin’ ass!

Well I was just checking my Google analytics and found out that I was now the third result for ‘kevin dolan.’  The only two sites beating me now are a Facebook result, and the annoying kevindolan.org.  I did some research to try and figure out how to contact the owner of this website, and I decided to write him a scathing letter.

Here is a transcript of the letter I wrote him.

Dear Kevin Dolan,

I am writing to inform you of my disapproval of your use of the KevinDolan.com, KevinDolan.net, and KevinDolan.org domain names.  I apologize ahead of time, if this email did not make it to the right person and you are not, in fact, the registrar of the aforementioned domain names.  My research has led me to believe that this is you, however.

I am disappointed in the fact that you merely registered these seriously awesome domain names, and did not develop them into anything magnificent– especially, given the fact that you, yourself, are a web developer.

When people Google-search “kevin dolan,” they are disillusioned when they do not find a torrential downpour of awesomeness.  I blame you, in part, for this abomination of the Kevin Dolan name– for registering, but not developing these websites.

So it is with this email that I inform you of my goal to beat you in the Google search results for the name Kevin Dolan.  You see, I too am a web-developer of sorts, and I will stop at nothing to appear first.

That being said, our relationship does not have to be negative.  I am offering to take these domain names off your hand, with a promise to develop them into something truly magnificent.

Sincerely,
Kevin Dolan

I actually sent this via email, a week or so ago, with no response.  Because he failed to respond to me by email, I have decided to send him a letter by standard mail to see if that may ellicit a response.

I will include the following introductory paragraph to make sure he knows that I am serious.

I have attempted to contact you via email with no response.  As a result, I have resorted to sending this letter to you through the United States Postal Service.  I hope this letter finds you in good spirits.

Let’s show this imposter who’s boss!

It was several weeks ago, when I was stumbling around on the internet, when I happened upon this interesting website, Pimp This Bum.  It was apparently this website created with the intention of helping the homeless, by putting one particular bum in the spotlight…

As you can imagine, with a name like Pimp This Bum, this was no ordinary crusade to end homelessness.  It was an interesting experiment in viral internet marketing.  From the looks of it, the site raised some serious attention.

You can watch the video on the homepage, for the whole story.  It’s really quite inspiring as it shows Tim Edward’s ascension from acoholic homelessness to sobreity and a somewhat normal life.  A couple weeks ago, I watched the whole thing, hit ‘I Like’ and moved on.

But the story doesn’t end here.  Over the next couple weeks, I kept running into websites and  news articles mentioning this site.  People discussing the dignity of the homeless, and how this website simply took advantage of them to get attention.  There was some serious outrage over the ethical implications of this whole thing.

I don’t really know about all the ethical implications, nor do I really care.  What seriously upsets me, is that if you click on their About Page, and scroll all the way down to the bottom, you will find that it is signed Kevin J. Dolan.

I can most certainly say that I was not at all involved in the Pimp This Bum project, and quite frankly I am appalled that someone would have the nerve to plaster this site with my name.  First of all, the layout is cheesy and as hilarious as the concept is, it beats me in the Google search results for ‘kevin dolan,’ so BOO PIMP THIS BUM!